moldybrainism (loive forever)
i stopped drawing when i learned to read. i stopped writing when i realized everyone was a good writer. i could never get above a 2 in the reading/writing sections of my elementary report cards but i can write an essay to show college-level writing proficiency.
“Les enfants seuls savent ce qu'ils cherchent.”
people think i write poetry. i have half a decade worth of lists, confessions of love, suicide notes, letters to dead friends, a buddhist prayer of forgiveness. rarely any poetry. if i scanned my journals and parsed them through a word count algorithm, my most used word would be “kill”. something so comforting in writing im going to kill myself kill kill kill kill a billion times and locking it up so no one can see.
in the summertime, i would go to cal anderson and write. id sit in the sun, smoke a cigarette, i get pretty so the gay people see how beautiful i can be. a man asked to borrow a lighter, when he gave it back he said “thank you, enjoy writing your poetry”. if i could find that journal, i’d see what i was writing about. surely not poetry. my first entry in that journal was 8 pages of frantic scribbling as i had an 3 hour anxiety attack that turned into a 30 minute panic attack as i drove from Oakland to San Jose, as all faith in the world was exorcized from my self, as i weigh[ed] all the options. jump off the golden gate bridge, that would be an awesome way to kill myself. I don’t write poetry. when I open my journal i begin a hyperpresent analysis of my every thought.
“My life is a performance for man for God. There never is something made for me I’ll find it for myself.
This is where i want to be, nowhere else this is correct, i am present. this is correct and right. feeling the music alright i wont be anyone i think i am not im so present it’s crazy i wish i had more to worry about i can see the world spinning about me invisible being invisibile disappearing forever and life would go on if the world stopped i would still be here i could still skate in my dreams but that what i’d want. stop looking up, a rat could come save me no one loves me i know it all for sure, don’t feel bad for yourseld. the stars in manhattan its not something to worry about how bright they shine. if i had to kill myself i wouldn’t. theres a tingling in my arms the reflection in my eye, They think i’m crying am i about to grow up before it’s too late and i’ll fake the walk home oh i’m so strong. one day it’s all figured out and i won’t even need to speak. monday night im trying to lie away im pretending.
eat these foods to look young foreber:
vegetables, greens
not too much rice
cooked salmon (remove impurities NO RAW)
crab meat
shrimp
shell fish unclean according to the bible
do not eat animals that don’t eat other animals
-Chinatown n Flushing
Banana bread & almond milk”